I find meaning in absolutely everything which is why I can never pass by an abandoned penny in the middle of a parking lot (a habit that has nearly gotten me killed a time or two) and why I think every cough or sniffle is the onset of the flu. Call it being spiritual or just call it being a hypochondriac but I live my life examining every nuance and constantly looking for signs. They’ve always led me in the past, whether it was just a gut feeling at the sight of someone new who would turn out to be instrumental in my happiness or a job opportunity falling into my lap when I needed it most. But lately it’s been getting harder to see and recognize the signs. Or so I thought.
I’m faced with the reality of my choice to become a writer on a daily basis and unfortunately I don’t always regard it with very much confidence. I question myself and my ability all the time and in the depths of that self-doubt there are moments when I wonder if I’m just wasting my time. I had a lot of those moment in the past couple of months, feeling abandoned by my faith and like I couldn’t see the signs. But here’s what I’ve learned about the universe–it doesn’t always give me exactly what I ask for, exactly in the way I’d expected it. But when I have questions about my future and my destiny and my life’s purpose, it always has an answer. I just have to be patient enough to look for it.
After I moved back to Texas last August I took some time off to devote to writing and I didn’t start job-hunting until October. I was a little drunk off of those blissful few months pretending to be a full-time author, not to mention naive, and hadn’t realized how hard it would be to actually find a job. My money started running out and I started getting anxious and it was tough to write when I was constantly worried about what was going to happen next. I knew that I wanted to eventually turn writing into a full-time career but I also needed a way to comfortably work towards that goal, which meant working at a job, any job, that would give me the time and the resources to do that.
I considered subbing and doing something in social work. But the idea of a regular 9-5 terrified me. The last thing I wanted to do was to get lost in the hustle of paying bills and to have to put writing on the back burner, proving to myself and to the universe that it wasn’t a priority. But then something amazing happened. I was offered the opportunity to work from home and while it had felt like this huge sign that putting writing first had been the right decision, that feeling started to wane these past few months when I was struggling more financially.
I felt trapped by this job that was too convenient to give up but that didn’t pay enough for me to survive and I was angry. I was angry that after months of trying to find something else part time to supplement that income and coming up empty, it was like the universe was somehow forcing me to choose. And it was a choice I didn’t want to make. I truly believe that my intentions for my life and my dedication to my dreams are reflected back to me in everything I reap from this life. And I believe that when we tell the universe we’re going to do something or be something or have something and we mean it with every ounce of our being, that the universe will listen. That it will bow to our perseverance, maybe even stand in awe of it, and make a way for us. That is what I believe. But when I couldn’t find a job when I needed one the most I started to wonder if maybe I was wrong.
Until I realized something. All that time I’d been asking the universe to help me find a part-time job, at the essence of that request was simply the ability to keep writing my number one priority. Because I didn’t want to have to give up that opportunity to work from home and because I didn’t want to be forced to work a 9 to 5 where I’d come home every day too tired to write. And when I step back and examine the past few months more closely, I realize that I got exactly what I asked for. I am still spending the majority of my day writing and becoming a full-time author is still my number one priority–something that could have been negatively effected or even ruined had I found another job. I’ll never know for certain. But I have to trust that everything that is or isn’t happening in my life right now is for a reason. For one reason–so that I can make my dream of becoming a career author come true, a goal I will continue to work towards every day and now with more certainty than ever before that I’ve made the right choice and that as long as I hold on to that, as long as I feed that belief in myself, then the universe will have no choice but to make a way for me.