So, all of that resolve I had on day one? It’s sort of been eluding me the past couple of days. I spent last week finishing up edits for book 3–diligently, desperately. I worked on it every chance I could and when I finished I wanted to punch someone in the face. Because even though I met my goal, even though I did what I had to do, the truth is I could have done more.
This was not what I’d had planned. This sitting around, trying to free write on an IPad while I wait for a chance to use the laptop. I’m supposed to be moving at lightening speed here. I’m supposed to be knocking this shit out and moving onto the next thing and the next thing and starting my life. But instead, I’m sitting here, typing this post one letter, one finger at a time, trying not to think about all of the things I should be doing right now.
But I can’t. Because of…circumstances. Otherwise known as things that are out of my control and let me tell you I’m learning that I do not like things that are out of my control. I guess I’m not much of the spontaneous type. In fact, I’ve realized that maybe that routine of a 9-5 job that I hated so much, was really the thing keeping me on track. I think I need the routine, to sit in the same chair at the same desk at the same time every day. It helps me focus and it lets my brain know that it’s time to get to work. I’m missing that right now. Because right now I’m so distracted. All of those expectations have been wiped from my psyche and I feel like I’m starting over. Because I kind of am. And it sucks.