Well it’s finally here. My last day in the bright orange cube has come and gone and as I was walking through those double glass doors for the last time I thought I’d feel…elated? Relieved? Something good? But as I stopped to breathe in that stagnant Florida air I wasn’t jumping for joy. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t even afraid. I was just done.
When I was impatiently waiting for this day I looked at it as some kind of finish line. Like escaping the drudgery of a 9 to 5 job was some kind of accomplishment. But the truth is I haven’t escaped anything and this is just the beginning.
This is where the real work begins. Because it was easy to feel motivated with a day job as my constant adversary but now it’ll be up to me to get up early and stay up late. To put in the work even though there’s no one looking over my shoulder. To be present and meet my deadlines. To make this dream happen. Because no one is going to do it for me.
And it’s a strange feeling knowing that it’s all up to me. That the effort I choose to put in has the potential to change my life forever. But it’s also exciting and scary and overwhelming…and what if I fail? What if? But that’s not even the most important question. Failure, in some shape or form, is likely an inevitability. So maybe the important question is what will I do when I fail? Will I keep going or will I give up?
I think every artist is faced with this question sooner or later. Do you give up on your dream for the sake of paying bills? And if you have a family or other people who depend on you, what’s more important, providing for them or your own happiness? If the money runs out and I still haven’t found a way to do this full time, those are the kind of questions I’ll have to answer.
Unless giving up isn’t an option. Unless there is no plan B. Unless I treat this as a calling and not just some really expensive hobby. That’s what it is, isn’t it? When you live for something, when you can’t stop, couldn’t even if you wanted to. I mean passion doesn’t just happen by accident. No. Passion is innate and uncontrollable. Passion is everything. So I’m going to follow my passion and whether that takes me down the path of indie stardom or starving artists, at least I’ll know that none of it was by accident.